|"You've Got Some Real Growin' Up To Do, Buddy..."
||[Dec. 7th, 2003|12:27 pm]
|||||Sneaker Pimps - Loretta Young Silks||]|
"... Suck My Balls."
So this is pretty old, and most anybody I know has already read it, but for those "internet friends" that apparently missed this, I shall repost. If you don't know who is who in the conversation, well, you're shit out of luck. Depending on the deep and ever-present unholy fire that consumes me when finals week rolls around, I might actually have things to post in here. You lucky bastards. Well, here you go.
Pridiantelos: I've come up with a startling revelation!
MinisterlnBlack: you love the cock?
Pridiantelos: well, there's no sense in rediscovering things, is there?
Pridiantelos: Actually eating jesus is a lot like wearing huggies diapers.
Pridiantelos: I can prove it, too.
MinisterlnBlack: I'm waiting
Pridiantelos: well, you have the catholic church or whatever, and they are really big on this whole Corpus Christi thing.
Pridiantelos: at first, I thought corpus christi was some sort of saltine recipe.
MinisterlnBlack: I'm intrigued
Pridiantelos: and that the whole church was a soup kitchen that only served saltines and booze to the homeless
MinisterlnBlack: go on go on
Pridiantelos: which made sense, because that's what the homeless eat anyway.
Pridiantelos: besides trash
Pridiantelos: but in actuality, the church is just PRETENDING to eat jesus.
Pridiantelos: bizarre as shit, eh?
Pridiantelos: who thought that a religious institution would condone the consumption of their idols?
Pridiantelos: would you eat shiva?
Pridiantelos: fuck no!
MinisterlnBlack: hell yeah
Pridiantelos: hindus cant even eat cows!
MinisterlnBlack: she's hot in all those RPGs
Pridiantelos: well, would you like... EAT her EAT her, not just EAT her.
Pridiantelos: cows... are walking steaks!
MinisterlnBlack: get back to me on that.
Pridiantelos: and yet their religion prevents them from being eaten.
MinisterlnBlack: leather bags waiting to happen.
Pridiantelos: so, this church has a main focus on PRETENDING to eat jesus.
Pridiantelos: now, what if we happened to find jesus, intact, frozen in a block of ice while digging a pool in our back yard.
Pridiantelos: and we returned it to the church.
Pridiantelos: they would probably just dig in.
MinisterlnBlack: time to cannibalize!
Pridiantelos: if we kept jesus to ourselves
Pridiantelos: and only ate him privately
Pridiantelos: we would REALLY be doing what the church is PRETENDING to.
Pridiantelos: next point
Pridiantelos: you know videogames?
MinisterlnBlack: got it.
Pridiantelos: videogames are immature, because they don’t really have a direct effect on us
Pridiantelos: when we play videogames, we are not paying rent, or actually killing real nazis, or making dinner.
Pridiantelos: we're pretending
Pridiantelos: and it's accomplishing jack squat.
Pridiantelos: now, if we were to actually go out and pay that rent or kill the nazis, we would be being mature about it.
Pridiantelos: so, we get this analogy:
Pridiantelos: Eating Saltines is to Eating Jesus as Playing Videogames is to Reality as Immature is to Mature
Pridiantelos: now, when we superposition the last analogy onto the marketing campaign of Huggies (tm) Diapers
Pridiantelos: where the main focus is the transition from Immature to Mature, we can say that ACTUALLY eating jesus would be akin to wearing huggies diapers.
Pridiantelos: Q E MOTHER FUCING D.
MinisterlnBlack: wouldn't it be the equivalent of growing out of huggies?
MinisterlnBlack: not necessarily wearing them
Pridiantelos: well, in order to grow out of them...
Pridiantelos: you need to wear them
Pridiantelos: interesting point.
Pridiantelos: how about this,
Pridiantelos: setting the table in order to eat jesus (or cooking jesus) would be akin to wearing huggies.
MinisterlnBlack: but the actual feasting on the body of christ would be the equivalent to moving onto whitie tighties
Pridiantelos: I concur.
MinisterlnBlack: well then.
MinisterlnBlack: we're seeing eye to eye.
Pridiantelos: so then..
Pridiantelos: Deciding which fork to use to eat jesus is like wearing huggies.
MinisterlnBlack: nah, wearing huggies is like the bread and salad before the meal
MinisterlnBlack: getting ready for the main course
Pridiantelos: you think jesus would go with salad?
Pridiantelos: I've heard that humans are pretty salty.
Pridiantelos: I think a potato would go a little better.
MinisterlnBlack: I think he'd go with a 1000 Island dressing if he did go with salad
MinisterlnBlack: because it's kinda sweet to offset his saltiness
Pridiantelos: now, here's the big slap in the catholic church's face.
MinisterlnBlack: of course the salad would be tossed.
Pridiantelos: what kind of wine? red, or white?
MinisterlnBlack: grape juice, of course.
MinisterlnBlack: jesus was on a budget.
MinisterlnBlack: I was surprised he didn't make his body out of chicken mc nuggets
MinisterlnBlack: I heard his original plan was to go to mc donalds on a tuesday and make all his disciples pay him gas money
Pridiantelos: well, the dipping implications involved in chicken mc nuggets would have gone well with the baptizing.
MinisterlnBlack: that way he could get the 99 cent six piece chicken mc nugget deal
MinisterlnBlack: yeah, there's a plethora of sauces
MinisterlnBlack: there's so much to read into!
Pridiantelos: obviously, the choice of wines will have to wait for a much later date
Pridiantelos: the first step is, of course, digging a pool ditch in your back yard.
Pridiantelos: call me when you find jesus
MinisterlnBlack: I hear he appears in tortillas n'shit
MinisterlnBlack: and in sweat stains on your shirt.
MinisterlnBlack: maybe I'll look there first
MinisterlnBlack: eating a tortilla jesus is much easier to think about than digging into flesh
Pridiantelos: we cant eat apparitions.
Pridiantelos: take off those diapers, soldier!
Pridiantelos: we will find jesus
Pridiantelos: and we will EAT HIM, you maggot!
MinisterlnBlack: I want to play my video games and kill nazis!
Pridiantelos: I'll eat the son of god.
Pridiantelos: you, can wallow in your own shit for the rest of your life
Pridiantelos: but not me!
Pridiantelos: I'm going bipedal
Pridiantelos: I'm going free and easy
Pridiantelos: do you feel the pangs of mediocrity?
MinisterlnBlack: you're already easy.
Pridiantelos: do you have irritable spots in your life where you could just kill for a quick change and some talcum powder?
Pridiantelos: THAT'S the diaper rash of irresponsibility
Pridiantelos: of hiding from the truth!
Pridiantelos: I have seen the light!
Pridiantelos: and I WILL EAT JESUS
MinisterlnBlack: wallowing in shit is what makes life memorable
MinisterlnBlack: you don't remember the days that you stayed dry
Pridiantelos: man, that's negative.
MinisterlnBlack: but you'll always remember that day you had a blowout in your huggies
Pridiantelos: now I just want to throw things at you to improve your life.
MinisterlnBlack: besides, losing bowel control is good fun for everybody involved!
Pridiantelos: I somehow doubt that.
MinisterlnBlack: you're just in denial
Pridiantelos: I'm just withholding my projectile vomit.
MinisterlnBlack: would you rather projectile vomit or projective diarrhea?
MinisterlnBlack: the kind of poo that makes you wish you had handlebars on your toilet
Pridiantelos: well, if I had to choose between the two...
Pridiantelos: it would be...
Pridiantelos: usually, once you vomit, it's over.
MinisterlnBlack: you have a fecalphobia!
Pridiantelos: no matter how bad, one and it's over.
Pridiantelos: with diarrhea, there is a high probability that you will see that porcelain landing strip a few times
Pridiantelos: and the anal burn involved in the jettison of volitile acids lasts days.
MinisterlnBlack: so bad you can taste it.
MinisterlnBlack: especially you, since you have your head up your ass!
Pridiantelos: not to mention the complications that viscous fluid imposes on standard wiping procedures.
MinisterlnBlack: got the dig in!
MinisterlnBlack: oh come on, you know it was well placed.
MinisterlnBlack: ok, would you rather projectile vomit, or have a saltwater enema
Pridiantelos: yeah, like your mom is well placed in a welfare home or crack house.
Pridiantelos: saltwater enema?
Pridiantelos: I'm afraid that projectile vomit wins again
Pridiantelos: I'm not much of a fan of searing anal pain
Pridiantelos: you can have as much of that as you want
MinisterlnBlack: ok, would you rather projective diarrhea or get a saltwater enema
Pridiantelos: more familiar with it.
MinisterlnBlack: you'd rather have it coming out than going in, eh?
Pridiantelos: I've only had a saltwater enema 3 times
Pridiantelos: well, that's not the case with all things, andu
MinisterlnBlack: what if I replaced the saltwater with hot chocolate?
Pridiantelos: how hot?
MinisterlnBlack: it lives up to the name.
Pridiantelos: like, McDonnalds Coffee hot? or Luke Skywalker hot?
Pridiantelos: [note: Luke Skywalker is not very hot]
MinisterlnBlack: it's like... as hot as it would be seeing luke dump mc donalds coffee on his nuts after realizing he wanted to fuck his sister
Pridiantelos: I cant really ascribe a temperature to that particular situation
MinisterlnBlack: you know it's make you hot
MinisterlnBlack: real hot.
Pridiantelos: listen, it's my ass, I need to know how hot that chocolate is.
MinisterlnBlack: it's hot enough that you have to blow on it before taking a sip
MinisterlnBlack: but let it be known that there is also whipped cream on the top.
Pridiantelos: well then
Pridiantelos: while the whipped cream offers a soft, sweet soothing sensation on top of the 3rd degree rectal burns...
Pridiantelos: I'd have to choose diarrhea
MinisterlnBlack: 3rd degree might be a little extreme
MinisterlnBlack: it's probably only 2nd
MinisterlnBlack: slight blistering
MinisterlnBlack: nothing too horrid.
Pridiantelos: blisters, on my ass? not horrid?
Pridiantelos: what fucking planet are you from?
MinisterlnBlack: I would say right around the same amount of pain that would come from having bile spew from your ass
Pridiantelos: dude, not only ON my ass, but IN it too?
MinisterlnBlack: nah, after it hit ON your ass, it'd probably cool off a bit.
Pridiantelos: wait, so hot choclate going in would cause the same pain as shit coming out?
MinisterlnBlack: just about, yeah.
Pridiantelos: hot chocolate.
Pridiantelos: it's cleaner.
MinisterlnBlack: good call.
MinisterlnBlack: glad we could have this little chat.