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"You've Got Some Real Growin' Up To Do, Buddy..." - Common Sense Isn't That Common [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
ATheGreat

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"You've Got Some Real Growin' Up To Do, Buddy..." [Dec. 7th, 2003|12:27 pm]
ATheGreat
[mood |Shut Up.]
[music |Sneaker Pimps - Loretta Young Silks]

"... Suck My Balls."

So this is pretty old, and most anybody I know has already read it, but for those "internet friends" that apparently missed this, I shall repost. If you don't know who is who in the conversation, well, you're shit out of luck. Depending on the deep and ever-present unholy fire that consumes me when finals week rolls around, I might actually have things to post in here. You lucky bastards. Well, here you go.



Pridiantelos: I've come up with a startling revelation!

MinisterlnBlack: you love the cock?

Pridiantelos: well, there's no sense in rediscovering things, is there?

MinisterlnBlack: haha

Pridiantelos: Actually eating jesus is a lot like wearing huggies diapers.

Pridiantelos: I can prove it, too.

MinisterlnBlack: I'm waiting

Pridiantelos: well, you have the catholic church or whatever, and they are really big on this whole Corpus Christi thing.

Pridiantelos: at first, I thought corpus christi was some sort of saltine recipe.

MinisterlnBlack: haha

MinisterlnBlack: I'm intrigued

Pridiantelos: and that the whole church was a soup kitchen that only served saltines and booze to the homeless

MinisterlnBlack: go on go on

Pridiantelos: which made sense, because that's what the homeless eat anyway.

Pridiantelos: besides trash

Pridiantelos: ANYWAY...

Pridiantelos: but in actuality, the church is just PRETENDING to eat jesus.

Pridiantelos: bizarre as shit, eh?

Pridiantelos: who thought that a religious institution would condone the consumption of their idols?

MinisterlnBlack: hah

Pridiantelos: would you eat shiva?

Pridiantelos: fuck no!

MinisterlnBlack: hell yeah

Pridiantelos: hindus cant even eat cows!

MinisterlnBlack: she's hot in all those RPGs

Pridiantelos: hahaha

Pridiantelos: well, would you like... EAT her EAT her, not just EAT her.

MinisterlnBlack: hrm.

Pridiantelos: cows... are walking steaks!

MinisterlnBlack: get back to me on that.

Pridiantelos: and yet their religion prevents them from being eaten.

MinisterlnBlack: leather bags waiting to happen.

Pridiantelos: yeah

Pridiantelos: seriously

Pridiantelos: ANYWAY

Pridiantelos: so, this church has a main focus on PRETENDING to eat jesus.

MinisterlnBlack: ok

Pridiantelos: now, what if we happened to find jesus, intact, frozen in a block of ice while digging a pool in our back yard.

Pridiantelos: and we returned it to the church.

Pridiantelos: they would probably just dig in.

MinisterlnBlack: time to cannibalize!

Pridiantelos: exactly

Pridiantelos: HOWEVER

Pridiantelos: if we kept jesus to ourselves

Pridiantelos: and only ate him privately

Pridiantelos: we would REALLY be doing what the church is PRETENDING to.

Pridiantelos: now.

Pridiantelos: next point

Pridiantelos: you know videogames?

MinisterlnBlack: ok

MinisterlnBlack: videogames.

MinisterlnBlack: got it.

Pridiantelos: videogames are immature, because they don’t really have a direct effect on us

Pridiantelos: when we play videogames, we are not paying rent, or actually killing real nazis, or making dinner.

Pridiantelos: we're pretending

Pridiantelos: and it's accomplishing jack squat.

MinisterlnBlack: alright.

Pridiantelos: now, if we were to actually go out and pay that rent or kill the nazis, we would be being mature about it.

Pridiantelos: so, we get this analogy:

Pridiantelos: Eating Saltines is to Eating Jesus as Playing Videogames is to Reality as Immature is to Mature

Pridiantelos: now, when we superposition the last analogy onto the marketing campaign of Huggies (tm) Diapers

Pridiantelos: where the main focus is the transition from Immature to Mature, we can say that ACTUALLY eating jesus would be akin to wearing huggies diapers.

Pridiantelos: Q E MOTHER FUCING D.

Pridiantelos: +k

MinisterlnBlack: wouldn't it be the equivalent of growing out of huggies?

MinisterlnBlack: not necessarily wearing them

Pridiantelos: well..

Pridiantelos: well, in order to grow out of them...

Pridiantelos: you need to wear them

Pridiantelos: hmm..

Pridiantelos: interesting point.

Pridiantelos: how about this,

Pridiantelos: setting the table in order to eat jesus (or cooking jesus) would be akin to wearing huggies.

Pridiantelos: there

MinisterlnBlack: but the actual feasting on the body of christ would be the equivalent to moving onto whitie tighties

Pridiantelos: defiantly

Pridiantelos: I concur.

MinisterlnBlack: well then.

MinisterlnBlack: we're seeing eye to eye.

Pridiantelos: so then..

Pridiantelos: Deciding which fork to use to eat jesus is like wearing huggies.

MinisterlnBlack: nah, wearing huggies is like the bread and salad before the meal

MinisterlnBlack: getting ready for the main course

Pridiantelos: you think jesus would go with salad?

Pridiantelos: I've heard that humans are pretty salty.

Pridiantelos: I think a potato would go a little better.

MinisterlnBlack: I think he'd go with a 1000 Island dressing if he did go with salad

MinisterlnBlack: because it's kinda sweet to offset his saltiness

Pridiantelos: hmm..

Pridiantelos: now, here's the big slap in the catholic church's face.

MinisterlnBlack: of course the salad would be tossed.

Pridiantelos: what kind of wine? red, or white?

MinisterlnBlack: grape juice, of course.

MinisterlnBlack: jesus was on a budget.

MinisterlnBlack: I was surprised he didn't make his body out of chicken mc nuggets

MinisterlnBlack: I heard his original plan was to go to mc donalds on a tuesday and make all his disciples pay him gas money

Pridiantelos: well, the dipping implications involved in chicken mc nuggets would have gone well with the baptizing.

MinisterlnBlack: that way he could get the 99 cent six piece chicken mc nugget deal

MinisterlnBlack: yeah, there's a plethora of sauces

MinisterlnBlack: there's so much to read into!

Pridiantelos: obviously, the choice of wines will have to wait for a much later date

Pridiantelos: the first step is, of course, digging a pool ditch in your back yard.

Pridiantelos: call me when you find jesus

MinisterlnBlack: I hear he appears in tortillas n'shit

MinisterlnBlack: and in sweat stains on your shirt.

MinisterlnBlack: maybe I'll look there first

Pridiantelos: nonono

MinisterlnBlack: eating a tortilla jesus is much easier to think about than digging into flesh

Pridiantelos: we cant eat apparitions.

Pridiantelos: take off those diapers, soldier!

Pridiantelos: we will find jesus

Pridiantelos: and we will EAT HIM, you maggot!

MinisterlnBlack: I want to play my video games and kill nazis!

Pridiantelos: FINE.

Pridiantelos: I'll eat the son of god.

Pridiantelos: you, can wallow in your own shit for the rest of your life

Pridiantelos: but not me!

Pridiantelos: I'm going bipedal

Pridiantelos: I'm going free and easy

Pridiantelos: do you feel the pangs of mediocrity?

MinisterlnBlack: you're already easy.

Pridiantelos: do you have irritable spots in your life where you could just kill for a quick change and some talcum powder?

Pridiantelos: THAT'S the diaper rash of irresponsibility

Pridiantelos: of hiding from the truth!

Pridiantelos: I have seen the light!

Pridiantelos: and I WILL EAT JESUS

MinisterlnBlack: wallowing in shit is what makes life memorable

MinisterlnBlack: you don't remember the days that you stayed dry

Pridiantelos: man, that's negative.

MinisterlnBlack: but you'll always remember that day you had a blowout in your huggies

Pridiantelos: now I just want to throw things at you to improve your life.

MinisterlnBlack: besides, losing bowel control is good fun for everybody involved!

Pridiantelos: I somehow doubt that.

MinisterlnBlack: you're just in denial

Pridiantelos: I'm just withholding my projectile vomit.

MinisterlnBlack: would you rather projectile vomit or projective diarrhea?

MinisterlnBlack: the kind of poo that makes you wish you had handlebars on your toilet

Pridiantelos: well, if I had to choose between the two...

Pridiantelos: it would be...

Pridiantelos: vomit.

Pridiantelos: usually, once you vomit, it's over.

MinisterlnBlack: you have a fecalphobia!

Pridiantelos: no matter how bad, one and it's over.

Pridiantelos: with diarrhea, there is a high probability that you will see that porcelain landing strip a few times

MinisterlnBlack: perhaps.

Pridiantelos: and the anal burn involved in the jettison of volitile acids lasts days.

MinisterlnBlack: so bad you can taste it.

MinisterlnBlack: especially you, since you have your head up your ass!

Pridiantelos: not to mention the complications that viscous fluid imposes on standard wiping procedures.

MinisterlnBlack: booyah!

MinisterlnBlack: got the dig in!

Pridiantelos: ...

MinisterlnBlack: oh come on, you know it was well placed.

MinisterlnBlack: heh

MinisterlnBlack: ok, would you rather projectile vomit, or have a saltwater enema

Pridiantelos: yeah, like your mom is well placed in a welfare home or crack house.

MinisterlnBlack: DIS!

Pridiantelos: saltwater enema?

MinisterlnBlack: yeah

Pridiantelos: I'm afraid that projectile vomit wins again

Pridiantelos: I'm not much of a fan of searing anal pain

Pridiantelos: you can have as much of that as you want

MinisterlnBlack: ok, would you rather projective diarrhea or get a saltwater enema

Pridiantelos: diarrhea.

Pridiantelos: more familiar with it.

MinisterlnBlack: you'd rather have it coming out than going in, eh?

Pridiantelos: I've only had a saltwater enema 3 times

Pridiantelos: well, that's not the case with all things, andu

MinisterlnBlack: what if I replaced the saltwater with hot chocolate?

Pridiantelos: how hot?

MinisterlnBlack: it lives up to the name.

Pridiantelos: like, McDonnalds Coffee hot? or Luke Skywalker hot?

Pridiantelos: [note: Luke Skywalker is not very hot]

MinisterlnBlack: it's like... as hot as it would be seeing luke dump mc donalds coffee on his nuts after realizing he wanted to fuck his sister

Pridiantelos: I cant really ascribe a temperature to that particular situation

MinisterlnBlack: you know it's make you hot

MinisterlnBlack: real hot.

Pridiantelos: listen, it's my ass, I need to know how hot that chocolate is.

MinisterlnBlack: it's hot enough that you have to blow on it before taking a sip

MinisterlnBlack: but let it be known that there is also whipped cream on the top.

Pridiantelos: well then

Pridiantelos: while the whipped cream offers a soft, sweet soothing sensation on top of the 3rd degree rectal burns...

Pridiantelos: I'd have to choose diarrhea

MinisterlnBlack: 3rd degree might be a little extreme

MinisterlnBlack: it's probably only 2nd

MinisterlnBlack: slight blistering

MinisterlnBlack: nothing too horrid.

Pridiantelos: blisters, on my ass? not horrid?

Pridiantelos: what fucking planet are you from?

MinisterlnBlack: I would say right around the same amount of pain that would come from having bile spew from your ass

Pridiantelos: dude, not only ON my ass, but IN it too?

MinisterlnBlack: nah, after it hit ON your ass, it'd probably cool off a bit.

Pridiantelos: wait, so hot choclate going in would cause the same pain as shit coming out?

MinisterlnBlack: just about, yeah.

Pridiantelos: alright

Pridiantelos: hot chocolate.

Pridiantelos: it's cleaner.

MinisterlnBlack: good call.

MinisterlnBlack: glad we could have this little chat.
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: holly_hox
2003-12-07 06:35 pm (UTC)

My favorite part...

"Pridiantelos: you think jesus would go with salad?"
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